You look like 1/2 a butt puppet.

You know what they used to call me back in my schoolin' days? They called me "Jimmy Touchdown!"

And by "Jimmy Touchdown" I of course mean "James only comes on the field when we're punting or kicking a field goal."

My supervisor at work bought me this old-timey helmet thing. I feel bad because I didn't get him anything, but I did offer to buy him lunch. I also pointed out to him that the Chargers didn't exist when these helmets were still being used & he said historical accuracy would have cost extra.

I look like a banker in this.........

That's right kids! One of the finest movies FILMS ever made is now available on Blu Ray! It's a fine story of love, betrayal, and the fact that men can be motivated to accomplish great things by the possibility of seeing a chick naked.

And, unlike the movie I saw today, noone cuts their own arm off.

Fun note, if you ever watch Major League with me or my little brother, you will be annoyed to no end because we both have the script memorized. We had very little to do as children.

In 10 More Years You'll Get TP!

Today Jo and I went to Feeder's Supply Store to have Dot's picture taken with Santa (yes, we're dorks... and I'll bet you can guess what tomorrows picture will be!) and we decided to take her for a walk while we were waiting for the picture to print out. While wandering around we ran across this red outhouse. Nothing out of the ordinary huh? Maybe you should take a closer look at that sign.



Some people get a gold watch for staying with a company for 40 years. Apparently this person's loyalty has earned them their own outhouse. If UPS offered perks like this I believe our turnover percentage would drop like a rock.

I will taste blood........

This is Tracy's cat, Beatrice. I like to think her eyes are glowing with anger because she has to wear a sweater.

That's a shitload of tape!

Guess what I spent 2 hours doing? That's right! Sleeping!

We got presents for some of you people, but you may be wondering what would be a good present to get me. Well I'll tell you...........

Money.

As I told you last year (and you didn't listen) I think the most personal, thoughtful gift a person can get me is a gift card to either Target or Kroger or any of the places that we shop on a regular basis. I have a goal of replacing my PS3, which fried earlier this year, and if everyone gave me a gift card (or cash in an envelope, like the mob) that would make that goal easier because I could use the money that we would have used for groceries, clothing, etc on buying back my magical black box.

Only one or two of you listened to me last year. I'm very disappointed in the rest of you.

Monsters live out there....

This is Doe Valley Lake, Jo's boss lives and grew up here. He spent his entire childhood basically living at summer camp. I spent a great deal of mine going to the beach and getting beaten up by mexicans.

Not really.

Today was fun, we went on a boat ride, I took a bunch of pictures that I will probably post later, I got to watch the tuna sandwiches go rancid, and I crashed pontoon into the beach. Good times.

Tomorrow is going to suck. My car is in the shop so I have to steal Jo's, which means I have to wake up super early so I can drop her off at the studio (20 miles) then drive to work (25 miles) then drive to the hotel that we're conducting orientation in and back (maybe 4 miles total) then back to the studio after work (25 miles) then back home (another 20 miles.) That's almost 90 miles out of my way that I have to drive tomorrow just because I need a new muffler. Boo!

Actually, there are multiple days each week that Jo has to drive that far for her job, so I can't really complain too much. Plus my car is a '98 with almost 200k miles on it and it's never really needed major work, so again I am fortunate.

Where the hell is Benito!?!?!

When we were kids, we used to pay $5 to go see the Padres.

Yesterday UPS basically paid me $120 & bought me a bunch of free food to go to a Louisville Bats game. Did I mention that I love my job? Because I do.

We went to orientation today for our puppy manners class. Judging by the description of what the trainer lady (no Whitney, it isn't Ursa) we're dealing with much less than what the typical puppy owner is dealing with. I knew that Dot was smart.

Speaking of orientation, my dear dear dear dear dear dear dear dear friend Dustin will be coming to UPS orientation on Monday. He'll get to see me in a professional capacity and be all like "Damn! James is far more awesome that I previously knew!"

I'm sleepy and going to bed now. Sorry my day wasn't more eventful.

EAT AN ORANGE!!

Whole wheat Matzo Balls? Oh no.... THE HIPPIES HAVE GOTTEN TO THE JEWS!!! Curse you dirt-twirling stink piles!! Is nothing sacred to you!?!?

I kid, I kid.

Our dear friends Allison and Josh graced us with their company today. They made the long trip from Cincinnati just to pet our dog, which confused me because surely there are other dogs in Cincy. Actually, they have a dog. That's part of the reson they came, to compare. Things did get a little touchy when I held Josh down by the head yelling 'SAY IT!! SAY OUR DOG IS BETTER!!!" but luckily no blood was shed. We went to Cafe Mimosa and I had some dish that involves tofu, black beans, and a ton of vegetables. I love this meal, but I keep forgetting that Mimosa's chopsticks suck. They're made of a very glossy plastic and you can't really pick anything up. I looked a fool.

Some of the things in that last paragraph didn't happen.

Just so you guys know, the last time I posted for 4 days in a row was December 14-17 of last year. You're welcome. I do feel a little bad that I keep taking pictures and saying (at least to myself) "This will be a good picure-of-the-day!" when in reality I haven't had a picture of the day in over a year. At least not regularly.

Sometimes Jo goes to work and leaves me alone with the dog.

I was trying to do "Blue Steel" but sometimes my camera doesn't take the picture when I think it's going to. I would have tried it again, but as you can see Dot is leaving my lap.

So this is what you get, me taking a picture a 13 year old girl on myspace would take.

The band is almost back together (looking at you Ms. Reeves.) My dear friend Dustin moved to Louisville. This is a good thing. He also grossly over dressed for his job interview. Normally people come to us in tank tops and flip flops & covered in "F the police" tattoos. He wore a shirt & tie with "Hug the police" tattoos.

No, YOU SUCK!!

The weather man on TV says "Severe storm's a'comin!!"

I hope he's right, because if he's wrong then those aliens from ID4 are about to kick the crap out of the Greater Louisville Metropolitan Area.

He was right! As I type this it started pouring.

I'm going to watch the next (and possibly next 2) game of the NBA finals. I don't care about basketball at all, but I feel an obligation to watch championship games. Maybe it's the desire to see grown men cry, but I can use a bat and get the same outcome.

I'm neglectful.

I bought a floppy orange hat today.

I look ridiculous, but I don't care. It keeps the evil, evil sun away from the top of my head and my precious earlobes. I looked for the cheapest hat at Dicks that would encase my whole head in shadow & had those little vents on them so my head wouldn't get too hot. The least expensive version that I found happened to be orange. My frugality and severe lack of fashion sense have led me down a path that may have many people making fun of me.

In other McDonaldLand news, the cat still hates the dog. She's actually coming all the way downstairs and walking around the kitchen while Dot is in there, but she still hisses and swats at her whenever she sees her. She also has stopped peeing all over the place, which is a big plus. I love that cat to death and really want her to start coming back into the living room to watch TV with us. At least we have her when we go to bed.

On the job front, I have new duties that are still a bit of a mystery to me. They took the Orientation class duties away from me (which SUCKS) but I get to be involved in a lot of interesting nation-wide type projects.

Speaking of the projects, HAPPY BIRTHDAY EMILY! I'm glad Jo didn't "Drop that bitch" like she said she was going to do a few years ago when I accidentally caressed your butt.

must kill the dog....

The cat hates the dog.

Dot seems to be coming along nicely as part of McDonaldland. We've trained her to ring a bell that hangs from the back door when she wants to go outside (now we just have to get her to understand that the bell is for going to the bathroom, not just anytime she wants to go out) and she knows the basics like "down" and "sit."

Our dear Captain Tennille still hasn't come around on her though. I think that she's getting better, I took this picture because this is the closest that they've gotten to each other without a ton of hissing and swatting from the cat. I'll keep you updated because I know that you all care.

Small black speck = Dot.

This is Dot.

Today we took Dot for a walk & it was easily the shortest amount of time she spent trying to choke herself by rushing ahead/lagging behind us. Good dog.

I feel bad because we bought a "static perimeter collar" for her to teach her that going upstairs is off limits. I know it doesn't really hurt her, but I have seen it in action and it does bug the shit out of her when she tries to go up.

In case you're wondering, upstairs is off limits because that is the "Cat Sanctuary" where Fatty and Hippo can stay at a comfortable distance from Dotty until they get more used to her and feel they can come down and re-join the downstairs world. Tennielle is actually venturing almost 1/2 way down the stairs now to check the dog out.

Slobberin Time!

I call this one "the view from my treadmill."

I think we can all give up the idea that I'm ever going to start posting pictures everyday again, but loads of stuff has been going on recently and I felt the need to share.

First, we got a dog. If you're friends with my wife then you've seen pictures of her. She's a half Newfoundland and half Golden Retriever (we think.) She's a small black speck so we named her Dot. I was nervous about getting her, but it turns out she's among the best tempered puppies I've ever seen. She doesn't bark for no reason, she is about 90% housebroken, and she's already crate trained. That last one is a biggie. The problem with Chickenhead was that he barked all damn night and wouldn't let us sleep. Dot seems to enjoy her crate quite a bit & sleeps quitely through the night in it.

Second, our favorite moochers came over and stayed with us for a few days. Matt and Dani Lott returned to our fair country and stayed in our guest room for a few days. We laughed, we cried, we all grabbed our balls and spat.... except Dani.

Third, I kinda sorta got a new job. I'm still working for UPS and I'm still in the HR department and I'm not getting a raise, but I will be reporting to someone else and doing other stuff eventually. As long as I get to keep doing orientation (at least the classroom portion) I'll be happy.... however if I never see another "request page" as long as I live I will die a happy man.

Sometimes I feel compelled to post something but have no content.

This is my breakfast smoothie. I make this every morning. It's delicious and full of the nutrients a growing boy needs.

I was going to take a picture of the blender, but I couldn't find the camera in time.

We sold the bed upstairs and bought an awesome sofa bed. It's a transformer, not unlike Optimus Prime. Someday it too will save the earth..... and provide our friends with comfortable sleeping quarters.

Arguing over the tennis ball

This is Eli. I call him Elizabeth because he is a wuss and cant take the sock out of my hand.

Eli is our dear friend Natalie's dog. Today Nattie couldn't get out of work due to the horrible little shits she has to teach everyday so she put Jo and I in charge of taking her dog out for a brief constitutional & to take a dump. Upon getting to Natalie's place we were immediately attacked with love and affection from one of our favorite dogs. This can only mean one of two things:

a) Eli has a good memory, likes Jo and I very much, and was genuinely glad to see us or
b) Natalie has the WORST GUARD DOG EVER

It may be a combination of the two.

splish spalsh

We went to see the Derby City Roller Girls tonight. I've never been to a roller derby before and found the funny names that the ladies took for themselves quite amusing. The one above (for obvious reasons) was my favorite by a landslide.

I also didn't know the rules, but I had someone sitting next to me until I got the hang of it.

"James, why were you at the roller derby?"

Well, Internet, it was our dear friend Mark Price's birthday & this was part of the festivities. Jo and Tracy seemed to instantly become roller derby groupies so we may be going back. Plus, it turns out Jo knows people on the team and I work with someone on the team and didn't even know it. Good times overall.

I'm very glad the Tsunami Gods aren't assholes. My good friends Mark and Rachel, who live in Hawaii, were not washed out to sea and this is a great thing. I've known Rachel far longer than I've known any of you people & I care for them a great deal.

The spellcheck program doesn't recognize the word "texted."

"James, no one cares about your treadmill..."

Kiss my ass, Internet! I busted my butt to disassemble, move, and reassemble that thing! I had no help from anyone, especially not from Adam Jones who did nothing to help me at all.

Not the guitarist from Tool, a different Adam Jones. Just in case you were wondering.......

Anyhoo, I moved the CD towers and the treadmill into the guest room because Jo wants her reading nook back and I would like to be able to watch TV while I'm on the treadmill. It works out for both of us. What stunk is how frustrating it was to move that damn thing.

I removed the 2 posts and console as one large piece, only to discover that I had to remove the posts from the console to be able to unhook the line that connects the controls on the console to the motor in the main unit. So I took of the left post (the one with the wire) and unhooked the wire, laying aside the console (right post still attached) and put the left post in the guest room. When I tried to move the console/right post mass I discovered that the giant L shape could not fit through our bedroom door. I twisted it and turned it for about 10 minutes trying to avoid the inevitable, taking off the right post. I finally broke down and removed the right post & took it and the console into the guest room and threw them on the pile. This is where the fun really started.

The main unit is huge (that's what she said) and very heavy. The frame is made of some welded metal & it also had the motor and 2 heavy rollers on it. I would guess the weight to be more than a duck, but less than a cow. There was no way that I could lift it myself. I tried sliding it, but the end with the motor made it far too difficult to maneuver without risk of flinging it down the stairs and through our kitchen wall onto Barret Ave. I had to call for backup. Jo tried to help ( I would have called Derek, but Jo can physically immobilize Derek into a whimpering, woman like ball of tears) but the machine was too heavy. I called Gerry, but he hasn't embraced the idea of a "normal person" cell phone so he didn't answer. I texted Adam and he said "No!" but came around with threats of violence against his mother. When he got here it only took us 10 minutes to move it from our bedroom to the guest room. Using our superior knowledge of leverage and our manly physical strength, we won the day.

After a quick trip to visit the Harris' I came home and put the whole thing back together. Tomorrow I shall watch the entertaining stylings of Mr. Tony Kornheiser while I play on my treadmill, which unlike everything else in my life I have yet to name. I was thinking "Poor Person" since I step on it to reach my goals.

NEIN!!!

This is my wife just before we snuck her back into the country..... long story..

Today was our 9th anniversary. That's right, 9 long years since we decided not to have a wedding and asked Lindsey and Matt to be witnesses and they said no. 9 years since Jo and I (along with my mom and brother) went to the Justice of the Peace's house and were wed in his den filled with creepy stuffed animals. Good times!

We got to hang out all day today. We had a good lunch and went to see "An Education," which was better than I expected..... but I wont bore you with that. What I will bore you with is the adventure that we had at dinner. I don't know if any of you have ever eaten at La Catalara, but if you haven't, DON'T!

We should have known it would be a trainwreck when the waiter asked us if we had reservations, then repeated himself. Normally this wouldn't be cause for concern, but the place was only 1/2 full and he proceeded to seat us immediately. This is the same waiter that we saw get into a heated argument behind the kitchen door and someone in the kitchen shoved him hard, he wasn't our waiter though. We were waited on by a very small, mousy girl with one of those candy cane shaped spines that Jo hates so much. She seemed to speak English, but that was about the extent of her competence.

The whole meal gave me flashbacks to an episode of Frasier that I saw that went back to when Niles and Frasier were eating as small children and Niles said "This meal is a culinary Hindenburg!"

We placed our order for an appetizer and two entrees. We never got the appetizer and they brought my food out about 20 minutes before they brought Jo's out. Jo was OK, she snacked on my potatoes while we waited for her paella. I was going to ask for ketchup for my potatoes, but I was afraid they would bring me a tomato in a glass jar and ask me if I had a hammer out in our car.

The food wasn't bad, but the wait staff gave me the impression that they just opened a minute before we got there and the current customers were the only customers these people had ever waited on.

After we finished eating, we asked for the check & they brought it to us. Jo put her card in the little slot and stood it up and we proceeded to watch our waitress walk by our table many times looking directly at the debit card but not picking it up. This started to get frustrating because there was a scantily clad belly dancer and I didn't have any $1's. As we walked out wanted to yell "RUN!!" at the people coming in, but we didn't. We had pie waiting for us.

Now were home, watching Holmes on Homes.

Tomorrow is the Super Bowl. I want the Saints to win because I still like Drew Brees, but Im sure the Colts will win because Peyton Manning is like a damn robot who never ever screws up at anything.

Hooray for boobies!!

Yesterday Tracy moved into her new apartment & I got to help her move. It was quite the adventure.

They got a uhaul truck, which I had to back up to the edge of the porch so we could stand on top of it and take all the heavy crap down by stacking it on the back of the truck, then lowering it onto the ground. We got the truck loaded up, drove the 2 blocks to her new place & started to unload.

We hit a brick wall when it came to the couch in the picture. We took the cushions off, dragged it up the stairs, and discovered that it was WAY to big to fit in her front door. Try as we all did, we just couldn't find a way to twist it into the very small doorway. After a quick chat it was decided that we would take Tracys old couch and trade it for Steve & Michelles couch, which is smaller.

Steve and I switched the couches out of the truck & came back for attempt #2. Unfortunately we ran into the same problem. We got it up the front stairs & it was just big enough to give us hope that we could get it in without actually being able to fit it through the door. In great frustration we tried the back door, which was a huge pain in the ass due to the shape of the back stairwell. Again, no dice. We even took the back door off the hinges, but it was still about 6 inches too big in all directions to work. So, defeated, we took the couch back downstairs and ultimately back to Steves place.

So basically, in order for Tracy to end up with no couch at all, we had to drag 2 different couches up and down stairs 3 times. By the end of the move I had no grip left in my hands & was reduced to wedging my arm into various parts of the couch to hold it up. My legs are sore as hell, my hands tingled the rest of the day, and even seeing Tracys very embarrassed new neighbors doing the filthy through their back window (which they in no way tried to block with curtains or shades) didn't help.

After all the fun, we went out to eat, then to Jo's sisters place where we watched the Colts/Raves game and I almost got to see boobs.

All in all a very good day.

Jo and I went playing about in the snow today. Dog Hill is still covered in several inches of snow so we took these plastic dish things and slid down it over and over again. The major drawback was after sliding down the hill, we had to walk back up it. I was falling over and vomiting after about 5 trips.

Granted, I was wearing tights, pants, 3 shirts, my hoodie, and my pea coat. Moving in general was an adventure! The best part of sledding is you are to a bowling ball as small children are to pins. I say they get what they deserve! Little turds should pay attention when they're at the bottom of the hill!

Now Lindsey and Derek are here & we're watching So I Married an Axe Murderer. Good times!

FIRE BAD!!!!

This is me and my nephew, Adam. Adam is clinging to me (and later my mom) out of fear of the flames on the hibachi grill at the restaurant. I find this hilarious considering his dad burned our house down when we were kids.

Prancing triumphantly down memory lane...

Hello kids. No "daily" picture today because I'm doing my annual YEAR IN PICTURES.

These are my favorite pictures that I've either taken or had taken over the past year, the story behind the pictures was not taken into consideration, I'm just going by the pics themselves.